I found this on my desktop. I wrote this when I had a MAJOR heartbreak last year. He was my co-trainee. *sigh* It's another sayang. haha! pfft!
Okay.. This is really very emotional. You'll get sick of it 'cause I did. HAHA! But this was me during that heartbreaking time. So.. read if you want. =]
P.S. LOLing at my title. :))
I was lying on my bed, listening to my iPod with my laptop on my lap. You know how sometimes music changes your mood? yeah, it happened to me.
All of a sudden, I remembered EVERY MOMENTS WE HAD. From the very first time I saw him, the very first time I asked his name, the very first time he looked at me, talked to me, smiled at me and the very first time he approached me. I remembered those sweet kulitan moments we had that was seen by almost all of the people in that ward. The time when I was writing on the whiteboard and he was standing by my side, looking and smiling at me like a weirdo. The time when he washed his face and he wiped his wet hands on my arms then I chased him and wiped it in his shirt. The time when he was begging me to come with him to his patient. The time when he said 'sige, di na lang ako aalis. dito na lang ako, sasabihin ko kay mam' when the clinical manager said that all junior trainees should go to the auditorium. The very first time he chatted me, the very first time he texted me in the morning saying that he just woke up. And the first time he called me. The time when he said 'kain ka na' with that sweet caring tone of voice. And the time when we were inseparable on my extended night shift duty. I remembered all those things as I'm hearing sad love songs or just love songs that i could dedicate and sing to him and I suddenly cried.
I don't know why I was crying, I tried to stop but the tears won't stop from falling down my eyes. So I asked myself, "why are you crying?" Then I remembered all the things that happened when me and my friends went out and he was there.. with a girl, whom he claimed his girlfriend. And our last conversation on text and his last text to me. I remembered those and I was really hurt. I realized that I'm crying because of that and that I'm hurt.. And I was heart broken.. This was a moment of realization for me as I realized one thing again. That you can not have your heart broken if you're not in love. And that's when I also realized that.. this is not just like a high school crush. It was something else. I realized that I've fallen in love.. that I love him.
But maybe, I loved him before this crying thing happened and I was just too scared to admit it back then. It's just sad that I have to realize it this way. I remembered what I said to my friends that I'm never gonna fall in love with him unless he falls first. 'Cause if he's the first one to fall, then I know I'm sure. But I lost. Again.
I cried that night and he was all that I can think of. I had a little break to wipe the tears but the tears continue to fall. I thought it wouldn't stop, but.. things end. I went out of my room to wash my face and I saw that my eyes were really sore. I tried to avoid eye contact with the people in the house. I don't want them to know why I was crying.
Then I went online. I thought surfing the net will change my mood but I was wrong. I couldn't smile, I am out of focus, I was boring on chat. Then I told my friend about what happened to me. I'm glad she understands me. Then she said something which made me cry again. It was really.. somewhat ridiculous to cry when you're online. I told her that I was crying and that I pity myself. She said she don't know what to do to me and she wanted to come here at home. I was touched and then the tears continue to fall. I remembered everything again. Add the fact that I miss him so much. SO much that it made me cry and that it's breaking my heart.
I stood up, opened the refrigerator and I saw a bottle of wine. I went to get a glass and poured wine until my glass was half full. I couldn't drink everything in the bottle. Onti na lang kasi and my mom's going to wonder if I drink all of it. I must admit, I felt better after drinking it. But the pain is still there.
2 days after, my friends and I had a drink. I had too much again but I was fine. I got home at 12, and I was lying on my bed, laptop on, looking at OUR pictures and I cried again. It hurts more because I was looking at our pictures together. I've never cried so much for someone like this. Guess I really have fallen hard.
I was trapped. I am looking for an escape. But I just can't escape.
(BUT I WAS ABLE TO ESCAPE!!)
This was written 14th of July 2010. July 2010 was a rough month for me because of this. I drank 4-5 times in one week. Just one week. Then the next weeks, I felt numb and even if I wanted to cry, I just can't. There are no more tears for me to shed. Good thing I have friends who supported me all the way. :)
So where is this person now? He's still alive.. and with his girlfriend. LOL! I don't know if he's still having trainings or if he's volunteering. I don't know what keeps him busy now except for his girlfriend. :)) But sometimes we talk.
OH!
And 2 months AFTER this incident (September 2010), he told me to re-enroll for the training program in the hospital where we met. WHY? SO WE CAN WORK TOGETHER! Meeh. Actually, there are a lot of things that happened after July 2010 which I told my friends and it made them wonder why he's like that. He's such a weirdo. haha! But I'm over him now and I guess we're okay.
Still single and always ready to mingle! ROFLMAO!
-F.M.W.
